May 30, 2011
As I finish up this term, I reflect on what I have learned. Honestly, I don't want to score myself because it changes so much moment to moment. If I were doing this last week, the score would be low, very low. This week it is very high. I quit making excuses and that has made all the difference. Truly, spirituality is such a personal topic. And faith, well, that is so very complicated.
I remember when my world started crumbling and the wonderful people in my life started pulling me from the rubble. I was given words of encouragement. Many said that if I will only believe I will see that God will be there for me.
Please understand when I say I wasn’t looking for God, I wasn't looking for faith. I knew he was there. I felt him protecting me; carrying me. I had faith, hope is different story. I admit having lost hope. If you are relying on hope, you are admitting that you need help. Well I couldn't do that. And frankly, God cannot fix what we refuse to see as being broken.
I have always had such high expectations from life, and I still do. Somewhere, however, in building my life I was breaking myself down. I was broken but I had gotten so caught up in it all that I quit feeling the cracks, that is until I shattered.
Spirituality is not only faith in God; it’s faith in ourselves and that is what makes it so complicated. What I know is that my Father in Heaven didn’t leave me, I LEFT ME. So what I have learned this term is that there is nothing in life if you do not have faith in something higher than yourself. But truly, you don't have a life at all if you don't have faith in yourself.
My fellow class members can appreciate the words to the Jason Mraz song Details in the Fabric... it has a very "integrated" approach. Click on the title to listen to the song, but I have also posted the lyrics.
Details in the Fabric
By Jason Mraz
Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling on your threads
And breaking yourself up
If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm, then brace it
If it's a broken heart, then face it
And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
And everything will be fine
Hang on
Help is on the way
And stay strong
I'm doing everything
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
And everything, everything will be fine
Everything
Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?
Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.
Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything
Hold your own
And know your name
And go your own way
Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)
Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way)
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine?
Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name)
Hell no reason go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way)
Of faulty manufacturing
Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold
The Finale (well, for now)
May 23, 2011
I think it best that for the purpose of this assignment I give you simply my conclusion and not what has brought me to it. I know for certain that what I’ve learned about myself is amazing but how I learned it needs not be memorialized. So then, what have I learned? Humbly, it is that life is not easy, and that what makes it significant is not what makes it hard, but what makes it easy. And those things, well, they are simple.
Before we go there, we need to start with reality. You will have to tolerate a little self-pity and frankly…. self- indulgence. Also, you will have to endure a little truth about what brings me to who I am on this particular day, and frankly why I am having a hard time figuring this all out.
I found myself quite content; strangely content with my new little life, in my little town, in my little house, with my little yard, little garden and my little circle of friends. I had surrendered. I remember looking around the house and thinking… wow… this is easy. I can keep the laundry clean, the dishes done, homework, life, la la la la la la …. I have figured it out, lucky me. Then it happened … the perfection of my self-actualization was short lived. Within one week I found myself self-destructing. Honestly it was like watching a movie. It felt surreal. I made mistake after mistake. Trust me … a lot of mistakes, bad choices, lack of judgment, just ridiculousness. I couldn’t believe it.
I recently read that we have a capacity for happiness that is trained. That is to say, that if we have lived a significant amount of our lives where only 15% of our time is spent in happiness then if we get to a point where we can actually be happy for 50% of the time, well, we simply will not tolerate that well (Gilbert, 2006). Basically, it feels natural to be happy 15% of the time. The additional 35% is simply wasted on those unaccustomed to it. That resonated with me and it helped me understand what happened to me this past month.
So when it came time to do this assignment I really found it hard, because I can honestly say, this month was hard. I’m okay, but it was hard. I can’t pat myself on the back and say “good job Machelle, everything you have learned this month has lead you to a higher level of self… you get an A.”
The Wise Healer: "ES-KLEP-E-US"
May 10, 2011
I have to admit that I really didn’t meet Asclepius on the beach today. I enjoyed the waves and I benefited from the reflective time, but the goal of the meditation was hard for me to connect with. I searched for my inner healer, I searched my heart for the wise individual to focus my connection. I found my mind racing back and forth, gathering attributes as if they were shells. I appreciate and learn daily from so many. I couldn’t settle into a vision, I could not focus my intent… so ultimately, I finally just relaxed and enjoyed the waves and took advantage of the time to relax. I know, I missed the entire intent as Dacher stated in the prelude, look to experience inner freedom and not just mere relaxation. But the good news is... I did feel better, much better.
This made me think, and reflect on the second part of our assignment for the blog this week. Asclepius is the greek God of Healing. The statement, "one cannot lead another where one has not gone himself." Am I a student of Asclepius and in not recognizing him do I betray my essence. I believe, that in order to fully engage those who we teach or lead, we must embrace completely the precepts we teach. That is not to say that I will ever perfect the Meeting Asclepius meditation, but to say I fully appreciate, understand and apply my knowledge of meditation in reaching a higher level of integral health. I believe that those we seek to engage will not believe our words if they do not feel our passion and purpose.
Conative
May 3, 2011
The Integral Assessment project had been hanging heavily on my mind for days. I read the Dacher text several days ago and have picked it up on and off since then. So although I had not formally sat down to do the assessment, I had been thinking about it a lot actually. I am not really at a peek in any of the areas right now, but rather I am doing okay in each. There is a shifting of priorities certainly, and I am struggling to figure it all out. But I couldn’t really pinpoint something because they all need addressing. Each time I read about the Four Quadrants within the Integral Assessment I kept asking myself if I knew what Conative meant. It literally stuck out, as if I should know it, but wasn’t sure if I did. So when I actually sat down to do the Assessment, and to evaluate where I am and what to address, I reread the section regarding the quadrant of Psychospiritual Flourishing. Nope, I didn’t really know what Conative (Conation) really was and oddly enough it is the link between it all for me right now. According to Dacher, “conative refers to the source and character of our motivations… What drives your life? What motivates your actions?” Webster’s dictionary provides this definition: an inclination (as an instinct, a drive, a wish, or a craving) to act purposefully. Wow... this entire term has been a reflection in “who I am and why I do what I do.” I am still trying to figure out my focus as a result of the integral self- assessment. I did learn that I need to understand my motivations better and that when I do, I will be able to make more significant and permanent changes.
Universal Loving Kindness
May 3, 2011
When I retreated to my room to complete the Universal Loving Kindness exercise, I admit I was not in the best frame of mind. I was still a little angry and a little hurt over a minor confrontation with someone I care about. It had been 12 hours and still bothered me. I knew I should do a little deep breathing if nothing else. So, grabbing my timer from the night stand, I removed my shoes and slipped onto the bed. Ten minutes, I told myself, I can do this for ten minutes. I opened the Dacher text and read the words over and over again for about a minute and then I sat the text down, started the timer, and began repeating the four short statements etched into my mind; “may all individuals gain freedom from suffering, (pause, deep breath), may all individuals find health, happiness and wholeness, (pause, deep breath), may I assist all individuals in gaining freedom from suffering, (pause, deep breath), may I assist all individuals in gaining health, happiness and wholeness (pause, deep breath, deep breath, deep breath).” At first I forced images of third world countries into my mind; me, clad in Khakis with sweat stains helping the hungry and the poor. What I found is that I was relaxing, not because I was experiencing some transformation and reaching onto a different level of Loving Kindness. I was relaxing due to the breathing, the peace and the focus. Even the chirp of a text message, which I knew was a continuation of the previous evening’s heated discussion, left me un-phased. The forced images were gradually replaced with some very real and less traumatic ones. There were consistently two people who passed my mind. I remember the first two minutes took forever and then suddenly, beep… beep… beep, my time was up. I turned off the timer and then reflected on my experience. I felt better, a lot better, I am sure was in large part to my emphasis on deep breathing. What I learned was clear and obvious. I need to explore what I need to do to help the two people that kept coming to my mind, and that I intend to do immediately.
Still the Breath; Still the Mind
April 26, 2011
The unexpected response of my meditation exercise last week left me a little hesitant to venture into the unknown with the Subtle Mind Practice provided by Elliot Dacher. I guess things happen for a reason, I learned something from my experience with the Loving Kindness Meditation. The strong response I felt with regards to my son was indeed overwhelming. Selfishness: I felt selfishness. I spent the entire Spring Break with my kids; kites, hikes, swims, parks, bike rides, movies and more. I let go of my daily routine leaving emails unreturned, messages unheard and homework unattended. Still, I felt like I needed to resolve my insecurities before I proceeded with another exercise. Conscious not to project my feeling onto Hayden, I took him aside and we talked about how he felt about what transpired during the end of my marriage. This is not new, we discuss feelings daily. We are very open and honest in our home. However, again I acknowledge my selfishness. I needed to talk about it. His feelings are still very raw and certainly very personal. Therefore, it is not my place to share them. But we were able to talk through both his insecurities and mine. I left feeling assured that although this was not the ideal situation, it was certainly the best alternative given the reality. Knowing that he was okay made me okay.
Now, back to Dacher. The Subtle Mind Meditation was a gift this week. I am a singer. Breath is a tool, a very powerful tool to a singer. If you do not know how to use this tool, one can simply walk off the stage because you will never master singing until you have mastered breath control. So it is the case with life. Again, breath is a tool. In his prelude, Dacher states that there is a direct relationship between the breath and the mind: Peaceful Mind = Peaceful Breath. Breathing; seems so simple, but I attest that it is extraordinarily powerful and more difficult than simply inhaling and exhaling.
Dacher continues to state that in taming and stabilizing the mind, witnessing consciousness replaces grasping and clinging. Those words hit me…. GRASPING and CLINGING. Very descriptive and harsh words don’t you think. Images of panic flood the mind. Am I like that, do I grasp for life, clinging to its fragile branches. Am I doing nothing more than gripping a mere twig? With every crack I hear, do I strengthen my hold, anticipating the inevitable fall? Just as I worked myself into frenzy the voice transitioned from Dacher to the soothing female voice I recognized from my brief experience last week. That was enough to bring me back and in and of itself, calmed my soul. What followed was exceptional and exactly what I needed.
The Subtle Mind Meditation is the easiest, most direct guided meditation. In the words of Svatmarama, “When the breath wanders the mind also is unsteady… but when the breath is calmed the mind too will be still.” The Subtle Mind Practice is all about using breath. It is not in the calming voice or the soothing waves; it is in the space between, focusing and controlling breath, which is deceptively hard. Breathing properly is a technique lost to laziness. In order to relearn it and harness its power, takes training and focus. But to me, breath is what feeds the body, calms the spirit and strengthens the mind. Perhaps that is why I hear myself forever saying, “It will be okay Machelle, just breathe.”
Loving Kindness?
April 19, 2011
Loving Kindness: The concept: remove the suffering from someone and replace it with peace. I imagined him, his face, his big, beautifully blue eyes, his curly blond hair and dimples with an intoxicating smile. His name is Hayden, my son. He is eleven. He is an embodiment of love, unconditional and pure. He is different from most children. As my obstetrician told me, he is a miracle. He is my heart. I chose him as the object of my exercise in loving kindness.
Only two years ago his beautifully constructed world was torn apart by the selfishness of others. His sense of well-being was challenged by those who had inspired it in him. As I reflected on his beauty I began to see his pain. I saw his smile fade into fear. I saw the final moments of his “family life.” I saw through his eyes the events that ended his world. I sat trying to complete the meditation but was overwhelmed with my culpability. I could not relax because the tears would not stop. What if your role was to protect his sense of security; his innocence, yet you were the cause of the suffering? What if your unwillingness to remain at status quo caused his world to turn upside down?
At this point I decided that perhaps I needed a hug from Hayden more than I needed to experience the benefits of meditation. I would do it tomorrow. And so, in another selfish gesture, I sought out my son.
Wellness: Reverse Three-and-a-half Somersaults, Tuck
April 11, 2011
For class this week I took the opportunity to reflect on my current level of wellness. At the time, at the beginning of the school week, I felt peacefully assured that I was well on my way to self-actualization. Woke up Wednesday and had a great work-out, cleaned my house, planted flowers and spent an hour at the piano. Friday found me pulling out a few extra stress management tricks, lots of deep breaths. But I could feel the stress building as the reality of all my school obligations started to overwhelm me a bit. This morning, Monday, the entire arsenal of coping skills had been used prior to noon; meditation, running, deep breathing, weight lifting, prayer, affirmations and eventually a spoonful of ice cream, none of which could lose the constricting band around my chest. I was officially stressed.
To try and quantify my current state of well-being with a number between 1 – 10 would resemble something like a judge’s panel at an Olympic dive competition: Wednesday, 10! Friday, 6! Monday 3! Some weeks it is a series of effortless and perfect reverse three-and-a-half somersaults with a tuck. Others, it is one belly-flop after another. Physically, emotionally and spiritually, the scores would be similar regardless of which aspect of wellness was on the platform. For me the three are so intertwined they cannot be separated one from another. Mind, body, and spirit; the fact that I can see the need to align the three gives me a few extra bonus points wouldn’t you think? But the knowledge is sometimes not enough. My goal of human flourishing is under constant attack by the simple fact that I am, in fact, human. My objectives are in need of critical evaluation. Recently I set three goals, one for each aspect.
• Mind: I know the results of not managing my time and staying on top of things right now. Every moment is crucial to achieving my goals with school. I cannot let one day slip or I pay for it the rest of the week.
• Body: I have been starving my body of the water that it needs. Until I can get this under control, my body is going to continue to suffer.
• Spirit: I need to remember to express the overwhelming gratitude that I currently feel.
Ultimately the judges give me an overall score of seven based on my attempt at creativity, grace and poise. This week I need to realign my objectives, refocus my energy and remember the delicate balance of life. Next week will be better.
Autogenic Meditaton
April 6, 2011
Meditation is a new found luxury in my life. Previously, the idea of meditative exercise brought images of me teetering back and forth trying to maintain a perfectly postured spine, legs pretzelled and distorted, humming a bizarre tune, distracted by my awkwardness, and desperately trying to hold my arms positioned in an unnaturally tense position directly in front of my interfering breasts. This image did not illicit calm. However, in an effort to gain control of my sleep patterns that were spiraling out of control, I used my precious Audible.com points to download a book on meditation to induce sleep. The monotone reading by an elderly scholar did nothing for me, however I did appreciate that he introduced me to the fact that I could lie down while meditating. Novel idea… and relaxing in and of itself. Then as part of my Stress Management Class, I met Brian Luke Seaward (figuratively), author of the amazing textbook, Managing Stress. Now, in an effort to be completely candid, I am in love with this man. The first meditation I listened to was titled Mountain Lake. I do not remember a word of it… walking on a path, blah blah blah…. but I remember his voice. It was soothing and far from monotone. I think I spent the entire meditation actually imagining him whispering in my ear, “good morning baby,” rather than leading me on an imaginary walk through the woods. After I came back to reality, I listened to the Rainbow Meditation and rather than focusing on my adoration for Seaward, I paid close attention to his words. It was amazing, truly amazing. As part of my class, The Spiritual Aspects of Healing, we were assigned to listen to his relaxation meditation based on the precepts of Autogenics. This meditation focuses on a physical journey into relaxation. It is beautifully presented and from the moment I untied my shoes to the moment I lured myself back into reality, I was transformed. The beauty of meditation is that you get from it what you give. You must release your will to his lead. The ability to transcend the limits of a physical body is hard, but easily done and immediately felt when guided by a professional. Autogenic meditation seeks to reduce stress by controlling the effects of the sympathetic and parasympathetic branches of the autonomic nervous system. The process of focusing on a part of the body, controlling it and ultimately coming to a place of relaxation has an amazingly real effect on reducing stress. Meditation is my new and beautiful tool. Meditation explores the physical body and releases the awesome power of our own minds.
You can download them for free at:
http://health.jbpub.com/managingstress/6e/glossary.cfm?term=Neuropeptides&step=5&resource=glossary
Or you can also subscribe to his iTunes Podcast for free: http://itunes.apple.com/podcast/managing-stress-principles/id319085540
